It's Clowntime
Ah, the atmosphere at a Nets game in the Continental Arena, circa '00 - '01. Remember how it used to be, before we had Jason Kidd? Let us paint you a picture: imagine being trapped at a sparsely-attended birthday party for an unpopular child with billionaire parents – who wildly over-compensated by throwing a basketball game in the background. Welcome to Arena Life. We've got balloon animals, booby prizes, crappy catering, distractions for Dad, and clowns, clowns, clowns.

Fourteen Minutes in Hell
They call this entertainment? The half-time horror-shows, reviewed and ranked in descending order of preference, with Known Frequency indicated. Begin your descent!

1. The Amazing Eyal - This guy from Israel who bounced balls on his head. A nut-job with a strong neck and a compelling skill – I had 20 oz. of hot coffee swishing around my bladder and I didn't budge – but in the end, no act. He went from bouncing large balls (hey, basketballs!) on his head down through progressively smaller balls until the whole thing, uh, petered out without a climax. Sheer genius is not enough, Eyal.
Known Frequency: once.

2. Stas and Vladimir - from Las Vegas, two gymnastic-type fellows doing homo-erotic (I swear) feats of strength. Literally the bigger, built dude hoisting the smaller dude into various poses, using nothing but brute strength. It was like the goddamned gay Kama Sutra come to life.
Known Frequency: once...and that's enough.

3. The Extreme Team - Tiny, overly-enthusiastic white guys make synchronized, acrobatic dunks with the aid of mini-trampolines.
Known Frequency: for this specific bunch? Once. But this is the kind of beast that takes many, many forms.

4. Sky Riders - None-too-exciting giant trampoline act. Rescued from a lower ranking by the compact beauty of the female bouncer's ass.
Known Frequency: once...then recalled to memory, later that evening, in a private moment of languorous sensuality.

5. Jumpers 'N Command - Some type of speed jump-ropers from Brooklyn. Impressive, but were wearing these Mylar track pants with one leg zipped off. ???? I gotta get out more often.
Known Frequency: once, but undoubtedly again and again, as white suburbanites seem to really go for this kind of thing. Makes me uneasy. Is to the ghetto what an Amish guy in a horse cart is to rural Pennsylvania.

6. Quick Change - The staggering old whore of the arena circuit. You've all had her: painted-up lady comes running out, looking like she just came off a shop-lifting binge...we aren't supposed to notice she's wearing about 18 layers of dresses in gauzy material. Novelty-shop magician/pimp proceeds to whip her from one trashy look to the next by wrapping her in Some Kind Of Crazy Fabric With Transforming Powers. There's confetti, flowers-erupting-out-of-wands, and shame.
Known Frequency: once–this year. At least six times previously that I'll confess to.

7. Fan Dance - For when the Quick Change van is stuck in traffic...Power N' Motion gathers kids from the stands to froog in place on the floor with them. That's it.
Known Frequency: twice.

8. Budweiser Hoops Finalists - Astonishing. Not because the host, one of WNEW's "The Sports Guys" was never, ever funny – who would have guessed? – but because the "family-friendly" YankeeNets put up with the unambiguous drink-until-you're-sick message. "How many Buds did you have?" he asked each schlub contestant in turn, before they missed from the half-court line. "Twelve? Good, you're trashed!"
Known Frequency: once, and never, ever again.

If you have seen a half-time act at the Continental Arena that is not on this list, please send Joe or Champagne a factual description of what you witnessed, along with a brief recording of your dismay.
- Champagne

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