Champy wants your Nets nicknames!
The All-Metallica Nets
Metal Militia
Hit the lights: gaudy green lasers shoot to the floor and etch across
it an armless, legless, deaf, dumb, and blind man desperately struggling
to wriggle free from a tattered Nylon net. A foreshortened "Welcome
Home (Sanitarium)" begins to pound to a crescendo...
No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win!
For the next 2 1/2 hours, it's metal, straight up your ass. Each player's
signature riff thunders over the PA during his introduction, his check-ins
at the scorer's table, and any spectacular play he keys off. Excepting
Dikembe Mutombo. Every f**king time he touches the ball I want to get
blown out of my chair by three hot seconds of "The Thing That Should
Not Be."
Brandon Armstrong:
"Carpe Diem Baby." Jacks immature shots whenever he gets the
rare playing minute.
Chris "Wasting
My Hate" Childs:
For his interminable complaints.
Jason Collins and Aaron Williams:
"Disposable Heroes"
Lucious Harris:
"Leper Messiah." Screws us one year with the "Palacio"
inbounds pass, saves our ass the next when Kittles slumps.
Richard Jefferson:
"Whiplash"
Anthony Johnson:
"Creeping Death." Offense slows to a crawl when CD runs the
point.
Jason Kidd:
"Master of Puppets"
Kerry Kittles:
"Harvester of Sorrow"
Nenad Krstic:
"2 x 4"
Donny Marshall:
"Enter Sandman." It's surely time for beddy-bye when Marshall
gets off the bench.
Kenyon Martin:
"Damage, Inc."
Dikembe Mutombo:
"The Thing That Should Not Be." Hunter
of the shadows is rising / Immortal. Then
that wiggling, freak-out guitar solo at the end of it. With an overdub
of Mutombo laughing like a madman.
Rodney Rogers:
"Load." Play a snatch of the Load
track "Cure" to celebrate Keith Van Horn's replacement.
Brian Scalabrine:
"Fuel." For his high-energy.
Tamar Slay:
"Motorbreath"
Henceforth, I dub a Kidd-led fast break, "Riding the Lightning."
An alley-oop will be commemorated with a snippet of "Through the
Never." Wins? "Seek & Destroy" played in it's entirety
as fans file to the parking lot.
Losses? "No Remorse."
Staff?
Byron Scott:
"Ktulu." As in "The Call of..." Coach Scott makes
them.
Eddie Jordan:
"Phantom Lord"
Rod Thorn:
"Thorn Within"
Lou Lamoriello:
"King Nothing"
- Champagne
Write the Nets' New Nicknames!
New! Spurred by an email from Ian "Kidd4President" Wells, we asked Nets fans everywhere for a fresh batch of Nets nicknames. "Sideshow" Keith has left the building, Childs, Mutombo, and Rogers are here, and we're sick of "KMart" and "JKidd" – lame "Curse of JLo" remnants that need to be eclipsed...so let's go, people! Email your most creative efforts to Champagne (champagne@joenetsfan.com), and we'll post them here.
Brandon Armstrong:
"G-Man." Because the guarantee is all that's keeping him here! - Jim Blake
"The Player to be Named Later" - fenfool
"Stretch" - Rory
"Placeholder" - Joe Netsfan
"Splinter Man" - Keith Hunt
"Dennis Hopson" - Jeff Lawrence
"Brandon Benchstrong" - Bfleetutz
"The Benchulator" - Nikegirl510
Chris Childs:
"Manchild." For obvious reasons...big whiner. - Jeremy
"Spaz" - Joss Williams
"Mr. 10 Minutes" - Rory
"Nas" - Steve Halo III
"Da Brat," "Little Caesar," "Punky Brewster," Chris "Jared Fogle" Childs - David Cohen
"Chubby" - Champagne
"Chrisco" - Cap'n Jay
Chris "Julia" Childs - Jeff Lawrence
"Tub-O-Chris" - Nikegirl510
Jason Collins:
"Doublemint," "Stuntdouble." For guarding Shaq. - Jeremy
"Hooper." A play off Jeremy's entry. The Burt Reynolds stuntman movie. - Champagne
"The 1st Rounder" - Rory
"Tree Collins" - Tim Bassett
Jason "Better than Jaron" Collins - Alex in Daytona Beach
Lucious Harris:
"The Man in the Unnecessary Mask" - fenfool
Lucious "Hot-Buttered" Harris. I'm not gay. It means he's like popcorn, 'cause he comes in with the big buckets. Or something like that. - Rory
"Stroke." 'Cause he has the best stroke on the squad. - Steve Halo III
"Licorice" - Tofu Boi
"LC." Lon Chaney, from the 1925 Phantom of the Opera movie. - David Cohen
Richard Jefferson:
"Superfly" - Jeff Lawrence
"Jefferson Airplane," "Jefferson Starship." Take your pick. - Michael Bross
"King Richard" - Joss Williams
"Baby Kenyon" - Rory
"The Alley Cat." As in former Wildcat now prowling for alley-oops. - Bts5000Paula
"Shaft." Because he got shafted from the 2002 Rookie game and the Rookie of the Year Award. - Tim Bassett
"The Human Highlight Reel Part 2" - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Def Jeff," "Flight 24," "0 Gravity" - Brian Geitz
Jason Kidd:
"Moses," "Mr. Joumana Kidd." - Jeff Lawrence
"Spanky." He leads our Little Rascals - Jim Blake
"Rushmore." Because he has a huge noggin and also because of the speed he plays at. - Jeremy
"The Orchestrator" - Joss Williams
"The Kiss." Must be said in Raftery voice. - Rory
"The Sent One" - FrEcKLeS443
"Captain Crunchtime," "Captain Clutch," "Cap'n Kidd" - Champagne
"The Jersey Jedi" - Bts5000Paula
"J5." Like the robot from Short Circuit. - Tim Bassett
"The Choreographer." "Bob Fosse of the New Jersey Nets! The Choreographer!" - Bill Raftery, November 3, 2001
"The Savior" - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Dr. Jay." As an obvious tribute to the former greatest Nets player ever. - Rich J.
"Jesus in Sneakers." Becuase he saved the Nets. Was once Jayson Williams' name for MJ. - Zach
"Da Man," "Mrs. Dash." Cuz he's so damn fast. - Tofu Boi
"Mr. Fantastic" (aka Reed Richards, leader of the Fantastic Four), "The Professor/Professor X" (Leader/mastermind of the X-men), "The Prophet," "Nails" (kudos to Lenny Dykstra), "Modok" (another comic book reference) - David Cohen
Kerry Kittles:
"Skittles" - Jeff Lawrence
"Little K," "Bones" - Jim Blake
"2K." As in 'The J from 2K...is good!!!'- fenfool
"Razorfish," "The Greyhound" - Joss Williams
"Wild Berry" - Rory
"Special K" - Smiley020388
"Kerry Brittles" - Keith Hunt
"Tender Vittles" - Tim Bassett
"Kittles-N-Bits" - Chet Desai
"Scary Kerry." Because his shooting is so good it's scary (most the time). - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Jar Jar Binks." You can't tell me he doesn't look like Jar Jar! - Zach
"Zippy" (The Pinhead) - David Cohen
"Bonez" - Nikegirl510
Nenad Krstic:
"Euro-stick" - Jim Blake
"Not Here Nenad" - fenfool
"Nadz" - Rory
"Gonad," "Pennysaver" - Joe Netsfan
"Can I Buy a Vowel?" - Jack Cowabunga
"Mini-Vlade," "Little Divac," "Scott Evil" - Champagne
"Nanoo, Nanoo." From the ol' Mork & Mindy show. - Raymond Yang
Donny Marshall:
"Power 'N Marshall" - Bfleetutz
"Mr. Peppy" - FrEcKLeS443
"Glue." This is the nickname the Nets bench gave him. - Rory
"Duck," "Penny" - Champagne
Kenyon Martin:
"Grand Kenyon" - Jeff Lawrence
"Big K" - Jim Blake
"Sir Slam-A-Lot" - fenfool
"Maverick" - Joss Williams
Kenyon "Put the Children to Bed" Martin - Rory
"The Undertaker," "Shock Jock" - Joe Netsfan
"Flagrant" - Pekka Front
"The Cinncinnati Slammer" - Bfleetutz
"Kenyon the Barbarian" - Bts5000Paula
"The Fearsome Forward," "BAYB." For Bad Ass Yellow Boy, the tattoo he has. - Tim Bassett
"Keith Van Horn's Biggest Fan" - Tofu Boi
"The Slamulator" - Nikegirl510
Dikembe Mutombo:
"Cookie Monster." Come on, Deke sounds just like him. - Aaron Phillips
"Defend-e Rebound-o." Give me a break, I have a sinus headache. - fenfool
"Lurch" - Joss Williams
"Shaq Fodder" - Rory
"Kathleen Turner's voice coach" - Joe Netsfan
Dikembe "Age is an Attitude" Mutombo - Pekka Front
"Wags." For his trademark finger-wave.
"Drac." After the Lou Gossett Jr. character in Enemy Mine. - Champagne
"Brute-Tombo" - Bts5000Paula
"Pac Man" - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Dark Vader" - Steve Halo III
"The Obelisk," "Fingers," "Mr. Mom" ('Not in my house...'), "Hoover" (Rebound vacuum), "Freaky Dekey" - David Cohen
"Maytag." Because he's always cleaning the glassware. - Tofu Boi
"The Flyswatter" - Jason Kidd
"Captain Hook" - Nikegirl510
Rodney Rogers:
"The Big Easy" - Joss Williams
Rodney "Benedict" Rogers - Rory
"Rolling Rock" - Bts5000Paula
"16W, "East Rutherford"... possibly "Newark"??? It's Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Morris" (Chestnut – DEAD RINGER) - David Cohen
"Mr. Olympia." The dude is huge. - Tofu Boi
"Rodney Replacement." Because he's replacing Keith Van Horn. - Champagne
"Double R," "Rolls Royce," "Jolly Roger," "Roger Willco" (short for "will cooperate"), "Roger Ramjet," "Rod II," "Ro-ro," "Hot Rod," "The Big Rod" (warning: NC17) - S. John Dietz
"Deebo." Rogers' official and preferred nickname, from the giant bike-riding bully in the movie Friday, played by Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr.
Rodney "Solid Rock" Rogers - Nikegirl510
Brian Scalabrine:
"Veal" - Lucious Harris
"Ralph Malph" - Jim Blake
"The Most." Referring to Donny Most, TV's Ralph Malph. - Rory
"Carrot Top" - The Name Giver
"Michael Rapaport," "Beeker" - Joe Netsfan
"Creamsicle" - Chet Desai
"The Cheerleader" - Alex in Daytona Beach
"Zebrahead" A role Michael Rapaport once played. - Steve Halo III
"The White Guy," "Splinter." Cuz he gets no time off the pine. - Tofu Boi
"Brillo Boy" - Nikegirl510
Byron Scott:
"Slick" - Jim Blake
"The Miracle Worker" - fenfool
"LA Gear." Nothing like an '80s ad campaign. - Jeremy
"Mr. Clean" - Joe Netsfan
"Scott's Emulsion" - Kerry Ann
"Huggie." For his clinch with Kobe Bryant after Game 4 of the '02 Finals. - Champagne
"The Mind," "The Brain" - Alex in Daytona Beach
Tamar Slay:
"The Slayer" - Jack Cowabunga
"Sleeper." The sleeper pick of the year. - Jeff Lawrence
"Bells" - Champagne
"Tamar-o Never Dies" - Rory
"The Black Knight." As in he slays opponent's defenses. - Tim Bassett
"Slay Train" - Seth Goldman
Aaron Williams:
"A-Train" - ?
"Mouth." He just doesn't shut up!! - Jim Blake
"Jabber Jaw." Jim Blake made me think of this. - Champagne
"Kong," "Angus." Grade A beef. - Jeremy
"The Vanilla Hulk" - Joss Williams
"Creme Soda" - Tim Bassett
"Grey Matter" - Steve Halo III
"The Rock." Cuz the dude is just solid. - Tofu Boi
"Jawz" - Nikegirl510
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