Farenheit 2001

Joe's Full '00-'01 Season Report - April 25, 2001
Ban It and Burn It
Well, Shakespeare it wasn't. And we understood it wouldn't be. Of a team that had won only 31 games by the end of the '99-'00 season, we certainly had diminished expectations. Our high hopes in September were merely for a modestly improving tome to amuse us while we loitered in the airport atmosphere of a transitional season.

That's not what the franchise delivered. Instead, we got barely believable characters injured at the author's heartless and inexplicable whims. The guts of any inherent drama ripped out for post-Jordan meandering game play. Jokes bombed. The whole thing sagged into a soft pulpy mess whose pages fell out whenever it's spine got cracked under the gentlest pressure. A publishing obscenity, badly bound. Aside from the brilliance of Marbury and the steady professionalism of Newman, Williams and even (in the season's second half), Esch, what did the Nets really offer to us? Yes, if the Nets were a book, they'd have been banned and then burned right after the long, horrifying West Coast swing.

The fourth quarter was a shaggy dog story and a painful read - the Nets lost what was left of their thin thread of a plot when Kenyon Martin and then Stephon Marbury went out for the season with injuries. They had been the only reasons to plod along and pay attention. The Nets and their 10 day replacement players (ending the season with 7 of a possible 12 certifiable NBA players on injured reserve) stumbled, bumbled and fumbled their way to a 5 - 16 quarter (their worst) to finish at 26 - 56. Herewith our scathing reviews:

Adult Comics
Best Game of the Quarter - tie - Game 64 and Game 72. Think about it: only five wins for the quarter and two of them were against the Knicks. Extra added fireworks from Marbury's cursing out of Charlie "Religious Psycho" Ward in Game 64 and Marbury's dissing of Al Trautwig and his subsequent wig-out in Game 72. Both will be memorable for years to come.
Best Game of the Year - Was it Game 52, the overtime loss against the Lakers where Marbury scored 50? Or was it Game 51, where the Nets beat the Spurs? Could be. My vote goes to Game 49 vs the Sixers, where the Nets came from 10 points down late and we got to watch Marbury vs Iverson just before their All Star game theatrics. It was like a dream.
Worst Game of the Quarter - In a quarter full of bad games, let's throw out any one of them not played by Marbury and award Game 66 vs the Mavericks the prize. A full out assault against an inferior opponent resulting in a 24 point loss.
Worst Game of the Year - Game 29, forever known as "pulling a Harris" or being "Palacioed" vs the Celts. Don't make me repeat or relive it. Please.
Best Player/Team MVP - Marbury's the Man around these parts. Will only get better, unless he gives in to the inertia that surrounds the team.
Most Improved - Kenyon Martin had an amazing turnaround once healthy. Didn't hit any rookie wall and was headed for Rookie of the Year before his injury. Gives me hope for the future, even if it's Marbury and Martin and 10 mediocre players. It will still be fun to watch them develop.
Worst Player - I'm excluding any 10 day contracter. Throwing them out, I wanted to award this to Kendall Gill for his poor excuse for a season, but he's accumulated goodwill with Nets fans for being productive in seasons past. Nope Kendall, it has to be Jim McIlvaine, who I've accused of stealing money all season. Seemed to show no effort, enthusiasm or even skills.
Best Individual Performance of the Year - Marbury's 50 points vs the Lakers. He was unconscious, and visibly took his game up several notches when challenged.
Worst Individual Performance of the Year - Oh, I could be an ass and give it to Lucious Harris for that pitiful inbounds pass that led to the Nets getting Palacioed. But I think there are more deserving performances out there. My choice: Kendall Gill, Game 42 against the Kings in the first game of the demoralizing West Coast swing.

(Not the) New York Times Best Seller List
10 Things We've Noticed.

1) Will the following players please report to the front office to pick up your final checks: Kendall Gill, Soumaila Samake, Vladimir Stepania, Eddie Gill, Jamel Thomas, Doug Overton, and Stephen Jackson. Don't start unpacking: Jim McIlvaine, Sherman Douglas, Johnny Newman and Mark Strickland. You can't hide.
2) Stephon Marbury needs to work on his defense and show more leadership before he can expect to get into the playoffs every year. Of course, he might also have to get traded to accomplish that...but he is the centerpiece of the Nets. For better, not worse. And Joe's frankly glad to have him. Imagine what this season would have been like without him?
3) Keith Van Horn's game has gone steadily down hill over the past four years. While the reasons aren't entirely clear, one hopes it's not because of his work ethic. Then again, Joe hopes he hasn't been seriously oversold to us based on one productive season in which he was only the third option on the team. Give him one more season to produce, or trade him while you can.
4) Kenyon Martin will turn out to have many All Star seasons if a) he can keep himself healthy and b) play at the level he played at after the All Star break. Nice season Kenyon - even if Byron (and admittedly Joe) was rough on you in the early going.
5) The Nets need more athleticism, and as Champagne says, more toughness. Would love to see a Charles Oakley giving this team 20 minutes a night.
6) While we're on the subject of needs: how about a center and a shooter? I'm probably asking for too much, but in this potential NBA world of zone defenses, the Nets will need both in large doses next season.
7) Aaron Williams was still a smart, savvy signing by Rod Thorn. Here's hoping that he can have his minutes dialed back next year and therefore can be even more effective.
8) Johnny Newman at age 37 played all 82 games and was often their most effective offensive player. But that's no way to go through the NBA. Joe thinks Johnny deserves a reward, but not at the expense of a roster spot. If the Nets can find room for him (hey, he's a much better 11th or 12th man on the bench than Samake or Stepania), hang on to him. Otherwise, let him go find another contract elsewhere.
9) Can we please stop talking about Kerry Kittles until he shows up in September? If he can come back as good or better than ever, fine, but the man missed an entire NBA season. The Nets have no right to think that he'll come back and step right into the lineup good as new. Start making contingency plans.
10) Did Byron Scott lose his troops late in the year? Did they start to tune him out? Interesting quote by Marbury I read in Steve Adamek's column last week sort of alluded to that. I hope everyone can start out on a new page next season. Otherwise, the mediocrity will continue.

The Satanic Verses
At this point, all Joe can do is hand out the final grades. I've done enough reading of the worst kind this season to qualify me for a job in Congress. The final record speaks for itself, and I don't think I have to apologize for the grades. Watch out for the impending managerial jihad this summer and fall.

Marbury: B+. The Art of War. Final grade reflects his mostly "lost" last 21 games - between a lack of interest and the injury, showed a big dropoff, especially on the defensive end. But he was huge most of the year, including in his first All Star appearance. If only the team's record was just slightly better, he'd get an A-. It's about leadership, Stephon.
Van Horn: C-. The Little Big Book of Tornados. Shrinkwrapped with a Casper the Friendly Forward comic. Starting to turn up in the "bargin bin" - definitely not a page-turner. Keith, Keith, Keith. We've had a lot of fun giving you nicknames; we just wish we could have stuck with "White Tornado." Champy's protestations nonwithstanding, I don't see his future in NJ. Has not lived up to rookie year promise, and I've got news for you - it's not just because Jayson Williams isn't watching his back anymore. Who knows - maybe next year will be better. That's the problem: who knows.
Gill: D. GQ magazine. Outlived its usefulness; continues to expouse embarrassingly '80s notions of male vanity. Last issue overpriced and lacking articles. Will be put curbside to be used by desperate children in kindergarten art projects.
Martin: B+. Playboy subscription. Great, um, articles give every fan a thrill. Can satisfy any number of ways. But don't get burned by the 900 numbers listed in the back pages...they're a warning sign that our future pleasure could get costly. Here's hoping he'll hit Penthouse status next year.
Williams: B. Any Self Help Book Recommeded by Oprah Winfrey. Will help center you, though somehow you know that you could get better, but more expensive, advice elsewhere. Still, keeps you from going through the motions. Will be referred to less often next year, hopefully.
Douglas: C-. World Book Encyclopedia. Not flashy, slow to produce, but can still get you the answer when called upon. Could be replaced by an interactive CD Rom next year - one that runs faster but skips and ultimately freezes under pressure.
Jackson: D. Comic mystery novel. Shows potential for entertainment, then adds trite dialogue and unbelievable situations. Next year - no sequel?
Newman: B-. Great, old Sherlock Holmes mystery. Provides instant joy when opened. Could teach all the new writers a whole lot about telling a good story. Might be time to pawn the ol' hardcover at the next Antique Road Show - value should drop shortly.
Harris: C. 1980's junk bond tutorial meets sexual dysfunction manual. Great at the run and gun (so hot! oops, so not!), but was Palacioed early on and took a long time to recover. Should stick around - makes for tricky but often satisfying reading.
Eschmeyer: C. Peanuts Cartoon. Not very colorful, hardly offensive, and kind of a blockhead, but still as hardworking as Charles Schulz ever was. The kind of guy you might not appreciate until he's not around.
Feick: Incomplete. Your old Economics textbook. Sat on shelf all year - used briefly, then found to have missing pages and returned to the shelf. Never did understand it anyway, you just know how important the subject matter is in today's global center/forward economy. Most likely to be traded for car magazines.
McIlvaine: F. Steal This Book. Watch it kids, reading this one could send you straight to the pokey. Only the author can get away with it. Chances are he'll be stealing for one more season as well, thanks to all loopholes closing in the NBA cap laws.
Stepania: F. Massive Guide to Slavic Grammar. Found this inside a wet box at a yard sale. It just seemed like a such a bargain at a nickel, didn't it? Scheduled to be recycled into a taller, more athletic paperweight or door stop.
Samake: F. Second grade book report as written by a dyslexic. Hard to understand why this was even written. First paragraph is a dead giveaway: he was too lazy to even copy a plot description off the jacket blurb. Poorly organized. Must be sent back immediately for rework, with parents' signature stating that they can actually prove he belongs anywhere near the school.
10-Day Contract Players: Z. Girls Gone Wild video. Guilty pleasure. Think you're better than them until you realize that these girls will never give the likes of you a second look. All are destined to grow fat and live quiet lives out of the spotlight.

Grading Management

Coach Byron Scott: C-. How to Perform Dental Surgery on Yourself with Common Household Products. Seems like a good idea, until you buy it, bring it home and realize that you can't REALLY do the surgery with what you have lying around. You need to see a professional dentist - no trying to skimp on something as important as your teeth. Let's hope he can find some real help next year.
GM John Nash: Incomplete. Missing Persons Report filed in September. Rumored to have already left for the beach house in Ocean City. Left no forwarding address, and no positive record of having accomplished anything during his reign. Alright, Stephon. But what else?
President Rod Thorn: C+. The Latest Book in the Harry Potter Series. Apprenticed this year learning Nets Curses, Spells and other Demonic Behavior from a mythical former management. It was downright scary reading. Very willing to reread it next year in the hope that Potter/Thorn will become the kind of Wizard that can produce a Michael Jordan for the Nets.

So that's it. The book party's over, for now. Stay tuned for Champagne and Joe's "Best Ofs" soon, "Draft Dodging" in June, and more playoff coverage as the post-season rolls to a conclusion.

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© 2001 Shawn Belschwender and Michael Kozlowski