Sotheby's this wasn't

Auctioneering – A Joe and Champagne Special
The Nets held a charity auction after the March 9 Nets - Knicks game (you know, the one where Stephon called Charlie Ward "a bitch") and your pals Joe "Woodward" and Champagne "Bernstein" were there to cover all the action. The Nets were working with the Fanny Mae Foundation's Home Team program to auction off sports AND music memorabilia to help New Jersey residents achieve first-time home ownership. Undercover we went, looking for tip-offs on the Nets' level of popularity, team-wise and individually, measured in hard, cold cash. We got lots more, such as Kenyon Martin's shoe size, and what an astounding sum an N'Sync item will go for when Daddies need to pay for love. Fact-gathered in the parking-garage-esque setting of the "VIP" area underneath the stands at the Continental Arena. Woo-hoo!

The Mix: About 50 of the usual types seen at a Nets game at the Arena: Dads thick in the waist (and more often than not, the head) with their brood, haughty luxury box corporate-money types, and one brash lout, continually shushed down by his embarrassed wife, on the prowl to score sports swag on the cheap and turn a profit on it later. "I know what it's worth!" he hollered as he bid, his macho posturing betraying his mass of monetary and intellectual insecurities. Classic Knick fan.

The Hosts: Natasha Baron, Power N' Motion's Dance Team Director, whom Champagne considers "hot for an older woman," auctioneered. Ms. Baron was ably assisted by apparent PN'M co-captains Niko and Coco (a.k.a. Colleen) in the roles of Price is Right prize girls, parading such items down the aisle as, say, a Kid Rock poster. Chests out, ladies! When one dad in attendance voiced a witticism that had simultaneously coagulated in every one of his compatriots' pounded-flat-by-child-rearing brains, Coco shot back, "No, I do not come with this poster."

The Market
Champagne was priced out of competition from the get-go, low on gas money and high on credit card debt. Charity begins at home for Joe, who's got two young kids with insatiable plastic toy demands, and zero discretionary income. Our proximity to Coco was pleasure enough. Not counting Joe and Champagne, here are the winners and losers::

Autographed Basketballs: Stephon Marbury triumphed against a very weak field. The $550 a Marbury signed ball went for was more than double the price paid for a Keith Van Horn ($225). Symbolic of simmering tensions? The retired Jayson Williams has slid precipitously into "Jayson Who?" territory, claiming only $100 for his own "Loose Ball." Bad bid if you're looking to turn a profit on eBay, as the Human Quote Machine's name recognition can only slide further into oblivion this summer with the drafting of Duke's Jason Williams. That'll clog the league with two Jason Williams' more talented than our former hero Net. The bargain of this category was the Felipe Lopez ball that went for $50, exactly the same as a Penny Marshall. Early in the season, for free, Laverne signed and tossed a ball into the crowd and caused not a stir – as opposed to a ball signed by Magic Johnson that triggered an acrimonious tug-of-war in the section beside us involving large men, small girls and tiny tears. The rest of the entrants:
Atlanta Hawks Team Ball ($175)
Antonio McDyess ($150)

Autographed Jerseys: Vince Carter completely blew out the competition, nobody else even coming remotely close to scoring the $2100 his Raptors jersey (nicely framed) took in. His superstar status is obviously secure. The priciest item of the auction, and we can accept that. But Allan Houston beating Stephon by $100? We had just seen a Nets/Knicks game, remember, and were in Nicky Knicksfan's midst, which is the only explaination for such an out-of-whack assessment of talent. Houston's went for $850, Marbury's for $750. The others:
Jayson Williams ($700)
Kenyon Martin ($550)
Larry Johnson ($500)
Scott Stevens ($400)
Rick Smits ($300) - Oooh!

Autographed Sneakers: Once again it was Stephon Marbury in the lead at $700. Keith ($400) barely held off Kenyon Martin ($350), who's clearly on the rise to Second Most Popular Net. Kenyon Martin's shoe size? Eighteen (thanks for sharing, Coco).

Sports Mish-Mash:
NJ Nets autographed team folding chair ($1375) - We wanted this one for our imaginary offices at Joe Netsfan Central. The kind of chair the Nets sit on when we say "bench." Jim McIlvaine was here!
75 - 76 Nets autographed ABA poster (w/ Dr J) ($750) - The only item Joe truly coveted.
Kenyon Martin mounted wall photo ($550) - Wouldn't the wife love that in the den.
Kobe Bryant/Ron Harper autographed Laker hat ($375) - Start building the vitrine and installing the discrete spot lighting. Shouldn't I hire a permanent guard?
Aaron Williams mounted wall photo ($200) - Who bid this up, Aaron's mom?
Kerry Collins autographed football ($150) - Intercepted!
Martin Brodeur autographed 8 x 10 ($50) - Champagne could have kicked himself for missing this bid and letting it go to some fool. Brodeur is an f-ing genius!

Music Related Items:
N'Sync autographed poster ($800) - This item had one nervous Dad mocking his prepubescent daughters: "Boo-hoo! Please, Daddy, please! Get this for me?!" But another Dad did succumb to the kiddie coercion. No love is unconditional.
Atlantic Records wall plaque ($250) - Gold records of unmemorable acts.
Rod Stewart autographed soccer ball ($150) - Champagne is a sincere, un-ironic, un-facetious appreciator of "D'ya Think I'm Sexy" and was shocked at how low this soccer ball went for.
Hootie & Blowfish signed poster ($125) - Ahem. Does anybody remember the Spin Doctors?
Kid Rock signed poster ($125) - He is not a child, nor does he rock. Busy destroying music with N'Sync.
Sugar Ray autographed picture ($125) - Who?
Matchbox 20 autographed gift package ($100) - What?
Mick Fleetwood something or other ($75) - Players only do love you when they are playing.
"Does anybody like AC/DC?" (Natasha Baron shout-out) - God knows what the AC/DC-related item was, because the crowd booed it down, and Natasha moved on! Champy and I were crushed. There are fools, and then there are damn fools. We were clearly surrounded...

...then quickly herded out once the auction ended, getting one last Behind the Music glimpse of Coco and Niko as they packed their gear into duffle bags and discussed where they had probably parked.

The closer you get to reality this season, the more disappointment you find.

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