Up your arse!

The Rosters:
All-Unsung
First Team and Second Team
All-Fly
First Team, Second "All Hair Fly" Team, and Special Fly Announcer
All-Headband
Eastern Conference and Western Conference

February 10 - 11, 2001
Joe Netsfan's All-Punk Weekend
Let's face it - the NBA has gotten boring. Too many teams who can't shoot straight, too much plodding, suffocating defense, too many games with a herky-jerky so-called "flow," and too many players whose only true skill appears to be whining about being disrespected while indiscriminately jacking up ill-considered shots. Where's the drama? The by-gone rivalries? Any kind of on-court excitement at all? Of course, as Nets fans, you know only too well that the problem starts at home, in an NBA backwater called the Continental Arena...and with the Swamp Creatures we're mainly talking about the "shoot straight" department. As for extra-curriculars, East Rutherford sure ain't Excitement City either. There's not been a player insurrection, pimp-slapping incident, domestic altercation, drunk-driving pull-over or drug-arrest all season. Keith Van Horn will certainly never be the poster boy for Punkitude, and that's okay. But how about a little smoke under your buns every now and then, Keith?

All Star weekend is here - the annual snore-fest lacking both defense and a point. The NBA would like to show off their best players, but in many instances they won't even be there due to injury or cluelessness (on the voters' part). We already know who made the teams from each conference (and congrats, Steph, for making it to the big time despite the glorified Pine Riders that surround you), so Champagne and I decided to make some lists of some All Star teams we'd really rather see. This is for you, the ignored, over-charged, and disgruntled fan.

All-Punk
Dedicated to those whose attitudes or indiscretions match or exceed their games. A tough list for Joe to winnow down:

First Team
Coach - Jeff Van Gundy (Knicks) - He's a great coach, and not a punk by any means, but look what he has to work with. As Champagne has pointed out, ever since his assistant days he's fostered a culture of entitlement around his team in which his players can do no wrong – remember when he backed up John Starks when he chose to go bananas on a local beat reporter? Always count on VG to whine to the press about league fines and suspensions, which the Knicks are guaranteed to get slapped with at critical moments in their season. Need we even speak about his uncanny ability to wind up buffing the parquet with his Garanimals jacket in the middle of a Knick-sparked melee? Best guy to get the Punks to play.
Assistant Coach - John Calipari - Bad cop to Jeff's Diet-Coke-sipping enabler. I can only guess, but I bet there's nothing a grown African-American man likes more than being screamed at by an Italian-American guy in a expensive, shiny suit. Not that being treated like a child doesn't irritate players from every race, culture or class.

Guard and Captain - Allen Iverson (Sixers) - Really out-doing himself this season. You know all about his rap CD, his "Go home, faggot" slur against a fan in Indy, and his cat fights with Larry Brown. The biggest (and best) punk in the league.
Guard - Isaiah (or is it JR) Rider (Lakers) - Has no appreciation for what he had, and no respect for others. Has run his mouth off everywhere he's gone, and he's lucky to still be in the league. Misses team flight to All Punk Game, charters private jet to get there late.
Forward - Derrick Coleman (Hornets) - His attitude is matched only by the size of his ever-increasing waistline. Nets fans: remember "Whoop-de-damn-doo," his classic excuse for missing practice? 'Nuff said. Team may actually play better without him, but we put him in the starting rotation purely for the rubber-necking-at-the-car-crash fascination-factor.
Forward - Charles Oakley (Raptors) - Bitch-slapped Clippers guard Jeff McGinnis, lord only knows why. They say it was over a woman. McGinnis probably just got in Charles' way. Major tough-guy, don't mess with him, but can back up his words with action.
Center and MVP - Rasheed Wallace (Blazers) - I went with this one based on the combo of talent and sheer awe-inspiring punkitude. The technical foul champ, hands down. Snarls, bitches and screams his away through the league. But he's also the best player on the Blazers and one of the best in the NBA. Just handed a suspension for hitting a ref with a towel. Future Punk Hall of Fame charter inductee. Ah, I can see him now, in the ceremonial flourescent pink-and-green jacket...

Second Team
Guard - Rod Strickland (Wizards) - DUI the latest incident. Known to attack his own teammates. Perfect 6th man.
Guard - Gary Payton (Sonics) - His days of getting away with it may be ending. Formerly just a mouthy trash-talker, lately he's stepped it up a notch, confronting coaches recently-past and recently-present, and current teammates alike.
Forward - Juwan Howard (Wizards) - Major league ass. Must find way to redeem himself from being considered a shockingly overpaid flop.
Forward - Danny Ferry (Spurs) - Most annoying player in the NBA? Only in the league to pester opposing stars with sneaky underhanded tactics, and throw up the occasional three. We've got a strong feeling Keith Van Horn hates him. No wonder Camby swung...
Center - Christian Laettner (Mavericks) - Attitude walking.

Dishonorable Mentions
Kenny Anderson - Coleman's ex-Net running mate, (Celtics).
Sam Cassell - me-first shot-jacker who can also hit 'em, (Bucks).
Chris Childs - cannot get a foul called on him without whining to the refs, (Knicks).
Bobby Sura - it's the dyed-blonde hair. We hate it, (Warriors).
Nick Van Exel - attitudinal, (Nuggets).
Jason Williams - calming down from frenetic, ineffectual look-at-me play, (Kings).
John Starks - streaky psycho, (Utah).
Tim Hardaway - perhaps the scariest dagger-thrower going, (Heat).
Antoine Walker - what player doesn't despise him?, (Celtics).

Punk Injured List
Penny Hardaway (Suns) - Wouldn't come to NJ - supposedly, because of Coach Cal. So who could blame him? We do. Who knew at the time that Chris Rock's "Lil' Penny" had perfectly captured this guy's snap-easy matchstick physique and True Punk essence? Meaningfully spending his down-time allegedly attacking his girlfriend.

Graduated From Punkness
Chris Webber (Sacramento) - Grew up and got game. Could be back, as he's currently stealth-punking through the media about abandoning Sacramento at the end of the season. Why? He's "bored to death" there, what else?
Latrell Sprewell (Knicks) - Turned destructive, coach-choking rage into constructive harangues against his lackadaisical teammates. New mantra is "can't we all just get along?" while pushing the Knicks to higher ground in the East.
Paul Pierce (Boston) - Had the punk stabbed out of him in "Cheers." Not the way you want to lose your attitude.

Pinging on the Punk Radar
Jason Terry (Hawks) - Showing signs. We've seen him rip a ball out of Sherman Douglas' hands and toss in a three-point buzzer-beater, when Sherm was just trying to dribble out the clock on a blow-out. Keep it up, Terry.

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