February 25, 2001 - Nets 101, Wizards 91
Almost Paradise: A Joe's-Eye View from (Nearly) Courtside
The sights! The sounds! The smells!

Joe and Champagne scored some (nearly) courtside, Section 120, Row 1 seats for the Wiz game, and what went on around them was much more interesting than the actual game, which the Nets won in a rout. The Nets took control in the second quarter, rolling over the hapless, newly reconstructed Wiz, who've got more scratches on their roster than a race card on a rainy day at Saratoga. The Nets were stronger and faster tonight, and ran circles around this cast of Unwanteds. Stephon Marbury and Keith Van Horn both had strong games for the Nets, which turned into purgatorial garbage time for most of the third and fourth quarters.

Highlights - Stephon's dunk, in which he faked Hubert Davis out of his baggy new Wiz uniform with a crossover, leaped in the air and pounded down a dunk, which went through the cylinder, bounced off the top of his head, and back up through the hoop. To add insult to his injured head, he was called for offensive interference. The other highlight was Soumaila Samake, getting some garbage time minutes at the end, hanging on the rim and receiving a technical after a dunk. Samake showboating?! It'd sure make a hot-selling poster in Mali (Samake's home country), was Bob Papa's line, but nowhere else.

That mostly takes care of basketball...

Sights, Soundz ...and
Smells of the Game
Pet Shop Boys - As if he'd gone mute, Champagne took the notepad out of my hand and wrote "Smells like a hamster cage down here" and handed it back to me. We think it has something to do with the boards of the hockey rink that we sat in front of, along with the scattered peanut shells stuck to the ice underneath us. It lent a "locker room" whiff to the game we really weren't looking for.
You Dog, Sly - Ah yes, Sly the Fox...more of a dog, really. The Nets' mascot, who rarely ever visits our regular seats at section 103, was all over our home for the night. Mainly because there was an ex-Power 'N' Motion cheerleader sitting next to us, a young blonde. Much fussing was made by Sly over the 7 year old that accompanied her, but it's "Sweater Puppies" that drives Sly wild, not children. She whispered something into his costumed head, then Sly wrapped up his pantomime grope show by making a "call me" sign with paw to fuzzy ear. First time we'd ever envied a mascot, which is not an emotion a man wants to feel.
Down In Front, Lady - One of the annoyances that you have to put up with down near heaven is the servers who wait upon the patrons sitting courtside, or at the million dollar tables with the TV monitors just behind them (and in front of us). By the way, it's great for them that they get a junk-food waitress, but jeeze, does it ruin the view, usually when there's a great play unfolding. Patrons were well behaved, however, even if they didn't seem to be enjoying their complimentary melon platters. We most loved the family directly in front of us. They'd been pulled out of the upper deck and given a bally-hooed "Seating Upgrade" with a Power N' Motion escort to the "Theme from the Jeffersons." They clearly could not afford the snacks on offer and were quietly munching on the Cheet-Os they'd smuggled in their coats (Knicks jackets!) But anyway, being at eye level to the court is not always the best view, one discovers. Courtside seats? We'd still take them.
Use Your Illusion - If you're heterosexual and you're happy, clap your hands: The Power 'N' Motion gals were perched right in front of us. Sorry fellas, we regret to inform you of yet another classic case of fantasy exceeding reality. Most of these women just looked sad and tired, as if cheering for a second-rate Eastern Division team is just not worth the effort in the fifty-eighth game. Champagne sympathized: it's hard to fake a giddy demeanor when you're identity is pegged to a 20-38 team. Make-up is troweled on circus-style so grins play to the rafters – yes, we do understand that's an occupational necessity. Staring at their naked bellies up-close and eavesdropping on their back-and forth banter was an illicit thrill, but the giant overhead monitors are where these women are made to be viewed.
I Can't Believe You Said That! - At the end of the game, the PNM ladies trotted out to briefly to shake a soft victory tushie. Champagne's favorite PNM gal has recently changed her hair color from blonde to brunette, which has upset the delicate hair-color eco-balance on the squad from a high of 5 blondes down to about one or two. As she flew by, Joe just had to express all the pent-up frustration that this development has brought that born fool Champy (gone speechlessly "Teller" on Joe tonight). "Bring back the blonde hair!" I hollered at her. She stopped dead in her tracks, threw back a shocked "I can't believe you said that to me" look and seemed hurt by very idea that we actually noticed...and yet, secretly thrilled that somebody out there cared. Champagne swooned a little.
Back To The Ex-PNM'er In Our Row - She gently castigated Joe for shouting at the poor gal: "That was mean!" Joe then took the opportunity to mention how it was a shame that she wasn't still out there (to my eyes, she was the loveliest of the bunch, Champagne's favorite not withstanding). Flattered, and showing off a little, she replied, "Well, I've got other things going on now." Champagne got busy mentally trying to calculate how many cartoons it would take to buy her a bigger rock than what she had flashing on her ring finger. He's guessing: lots and lots of frenetic scribbling!
Kendall Gill, wearing a light green jacket with dark slacks and looking like he just beat Tiger Woods at the Masters - Not the most attractive look for an NBA'er, that's all I'm sayin.
Mitch Richmond, who uttered absolute jibberish at Keith Van Horn as he received a pass and set himself to shoot (or fake) from outside - Maybe that field trip the Wizards took to the Tony Robbins seminar drove him silly. Maybe he heard Keith was slumping and was trying to pass some Tony Robbins Wisdom along, in the heat of the moment. Maybe being a Washington Wizard drives a man insane.
This odd P.A. announcement - "Will the Washington Wizards bus driver please report to the Wizards' locker room immediately?" Did he park in front of Steph's Bentley? Or Stephania's Kia Sportage?
Special Sauce - Screamed at Jahidi White, so he could hear: "Have another Happy Meal, Ja-heine!" just when all the banner ads beneath the scorers tables had flipped over, displaying the Golden Arches. Ah, cruel Joe.
Talk Radio - Yammering dumb young guy behind us was urging the Wizards to score in order to cover a bet he had made, then mouthed a phrase he must have picked up off talk radio, referring to Michael Jordan as a "degenerate gambler" whose past sins had come to visit him in the miserable team he presided over. Seig heil, Sports fans!

Infectious Control Moment
Christian Laettner (King of the Garbage Time) - 9:12 of the second quarter, for a cut on his elbow. Laettner also took an elbow from teammate Jahidi "The Grimace" White in the temple. Couldn't have happened to a classier fellow (see Joe's All Punk team). Fans behind us never ceased bitching and moaning about the bad play of Laettner, "bum" being the operative sports term. Ah, Infectious Control. The perfect moment for sports fans to explain HIV to a child.

Joe's Free Advice
What about Vlad? - Coach, think about getting The Impaler some minutes. Stepania's dog house must be as cold and spooky as Castle Dracula.

What Joe Liked
A Rest For Steph - Sat out the entire fourth quarter.
Sideshow Keith - Didn't shoot Krusty. Only once tonight did he step out of bounds with his giant floppy feet. Progress?
Inside Scoring - Remember, this is the Wiz we're talking about, but the Nets normally treat the paint as if new rules called for mouse-traps scattered there.
Block-Rockin' Shot Stopping - The Nets had 13 blocks, led by Aaron Williams' 5. Come on ride the train! Chick-a, chick-a, woo, woo!

What Joe Didn't Like
Rebounding - Outrebounded by a weak Wiz team. Could have been because...
No Feick On The Glass - We were just getting used to Farmboy Feick's presence, and now the injury is acting up. Well, beats getting a limb caught in a combine.

Star of the Game
Let's give it up for Campfire Keith, who with 21 points and 8 rebounds took a night off from metaphorically making us eat S'mores. Got it going on mostly from inside, where he should pitch tent and set up base.