Long Islander Captain Jay has to have the last word – he has to have the white hot spotlight

Rod Thorn, Genius?
Hey Joe and 'Pagne -
I must give a shout-out to your b-ball team of choice. Why? Because in an age of Sport franchises raising ticket prices faster than winning percentages, it's a breath of fresh air to see that the Nets are actually lowering ticket prices. Even after the Knicks crapped out of the 1st round, they'll still jack up the price. Now if that damn Meadowlands bus would start heading back to Port Authority at halftime instead of the final buzzer.
- Capt. Jay, June 6, 2001

Cap'n Jay-
Thanks for the vote of confidence. However, you and I both know that the only reason the Nets held ticket prices is that NO ONE WAS COMING BACK NEXT SEASON TO WATCH MEDIOCRE BASKETBALL AT EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS PRICES!!!

Yup, that Rod Thorn, he's a genius alright. And while we're at it, let's talk about this arena in downtown Newark they want to build...Don't get me started...
- Joe Netsfan

Here's Johnny?
Hey Joe & 'Pagne -
Must you keep us in faux-suspense as you guys go "carnac" all over this pathetic draft of drafts. It seems to me that your beloved Nets will swoon and fall all over the fancy of one Loren Woods from Arizona. It's obvious. You know it. Rod Thorn knows it. Even my old 11th grade English teacher knows it . Admit it!
- Capt. Jay, May 31, 2001
P.S. At least you guys have a pick!

Cap'n Jay-
Hey, ease up willya? This draft ain't worth getting excited over.

The biggest fear I have with respect to this draft is that the Nets will KEEP the damned #7 pick. To compound that mistake by taking Loren Woods, well, it sure would be in keeping with the philosophy of "keep drafting big men, maybe one day we'll find an actual center".

As for the "faux-suspense", as you put it, well, I've got to do something to keep it interesting. As if running a website featuring the Nets isn't already...Stay tuned for Part II of Draft Dodging to see what I really think about this draft and the Nets.
- Joe Netsfan

Knick Envy
Hey Joe & 'Pagne-
I recently read your post-playoff comments on the second round and stumbled upon another little ditty of Knickbashing in regard to Knicks fans wanting Chris Webber:

"Straight-up sucker Knicks fans deserve him – shame they have nothing enticing enough to trade. It would be fitting irony for the early '90s Warriors (Sprewell and Webber) to reunite at the Garden for early '00s paychecks. Can't you see it? Knicks fans placidly accepting shocking new plateaus in ticket prices so that a couple of multimillionaires can palsy-walsie around Manhattan, double-pummeling Destiny's Child and bouncing out of the Second Round for half a decade."

I'm not surprised that even after the Knicks were unceremoniously dumped out of the first round that you just can't help but continue to bash them. You just wish that the Nets (also with salary cap problems to say the least) could even be considered a notion in some star free agent's mind. As soon as I hear one say, "I'm looking to sign with the Nets and build a championship." I'll eat my words. Until then, give my best to the Nets "Home of the Injury-riddled and 10-day contracts."
- Capt. Jay, May 18, 2001

Captain Jay -
God bless you Jay - without you there'd be no controversy. I'll admit that Champagne may have missed the mark: Spree and C. Webb would more likely end up tag-teaming an as-yet-unformed pop trio, or possibly Dream.

Regardless, I'll take our "piss-poor, over the cap but young" chances any day over the Knicks' "piss-poor, over the cap and over the hill with nothing but chaos in the Garden" chances any day.
- Joe Netsfan

And a Child Shall Lead Them, and His Name is Chris...
Hey Joe & 'Pagne-
I know it's a little early for Christmas but I have a bit of tale (this coming from a Jew). As gifts to the Great Kings, I see them receiving a b-ball bounty of Ward, Houston and Myrrh oops...Kurt Thomas. In return, the Holy Mecca of Basketball shall receive a Messiah of Great Talent. Religious law forbids me to utter his given name, but his initials are C.W. This is all written in the Bible. You can look it up if you want to. It's in the book of Checketts.
- Capt. Jay, April 24, 2001

Captain Jay -
The headline I gave your email are words Charles Barkley spoke on Inside the NBA just last night, Jay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chris Webber is the Knicks' new savior. I'd keep Ward and throw in Camby, for a more realistic trade, by the way. The Knicks would have to go through some serious pain to get him. I still scoff at the idea, but it's mostly pure jealousy, at this point. You're rooting for the Lakers in the Western Conference Semi Finals, I presume?
- Champagne, May 3, 2001

Sympathies and Seder Prayers
Hey Joe & 'Pagne-
I just read in the New York Times, the PBS of New York Tri-State Area sports, that your beloved Sly was injured. I would just like to send my most heartfelt sympathies to you and all Nets fans.

As sad as this is, I feel it presents a golden opportunity for you two guys. I suggest making large papier-mache mock ups of the your alter-egos and dance on the court to the hoots and howlers of the Continental faithful. And when the Knicks play the Nets, you can playfully kick the crap out of a novelty Nicky Knicksfan. Just a thought, Gentlemen.
- Capt. Jay, April 9, 2001

Hey Joe & 'Pagne-
As I was sitting around the Passover Seder with my family (all Knick Fans), we began to discuss the story of Passover. This, somehow lead into a story about the greatest book signing in history.

A few years ago, a coffee table book on the History of the Knicks in commemoration of their 50th Anniversary, was published and Barnes & Noble had a book signing featuring Bill Bradley, Willis Reed, Earl Monroe, Dave Debusshere, The Late Red Holzman (who lived in my L.I. hometown), and Garden Photographer George Kalinsky. When I got up to Earl "The Pearl", I asked him he felt slighted that Dwayne Washington stole his nickname. He laughed and said "Who cares? He didn't do anything with it," causing Willis to immediately frown for the duration of the precedings.

We said a prayer for the Nets to be delivered to from the dregs of the lottery to maybe a 7th or 8th playoff seed. If God can do for the Nets what he did for the Hebrews, you guys should be in great shape. I mean the Continental Arena is the only Arena in the Tri-state Area with Kosher hot dogs. "Next Year in the First Round!"
- Capt. Jay, April 13, 2001

Captain -
First Letter: Thanks, even though we aren't big fans of our inexplicable mascot. Hey, remember the guy who made that that great Sam Cassel marionette? If we could find him, maybe we'd get him to fashion three-dimensional likenesses of our cartoon alter-egos and our mortal enemy, Nicky. And kick his paper ass.

Second Letter: If you are trying to irritate my friend Joe by bringing up Dwayne "Pearl" Washington, you succeeded. Why Jay, why? Why bring up some old failed 80s-era Net when there are so many contemporary examples we have yet to get over?

Thanks for the prayers, really. Joe loves the Hebrew National and I agree, it's a superior dog. Look what we have here: Goy and Jew, Netsfan and Knicksfan, coming together. It's a constructive dialogue. It's a beautiful thing.
- Champagne

Conspiracy Theory
Hey Joe & 'Pagne -
This Stephon injury makes me wonder...is his injury real or is it a sign of a Prima Donna who'd rather start his summer vacation early than endure another night of single-handedly keeping his sad sack of a team from being really humiliated against the likes of the Nuggets or the Raptors. I'm not into conspiracies. But it makes you think.
- Capt. Jay, March 30, 2001

P.S. Now Kerry Kittles. He definitely ain't fakin'!

Captain -
Stephon's injury? It's real, Jay. Only a Knicks fan could come up with such a crazy theory. We'll form a prayer circle for you.
- Champagne

Bible Stories
Hey Joe & 'Pagne -
What's Byron Scott done for your boys lately? The only solution is to dump that Old Laker and get with a real playmaker by the name of Stan Van Gundy. A true disciple of the Riley School, he knows that they need a strong defense, and think what it'll do for the Knick/Net rivalry: Cain Vs. Abel, Ray Davies Vs. Dave Davies, Dear Abby Vs. Ann Landers...
- Capt. Jay, March 15, 2001

Captain -
Jay, that's nothing short of brilliant. "Jeff vs. Stan" would finally get the Nets some decent column inches in the NY tabloids. And maybe the Nets would win more. But god would the games be dull.
- Champagne

Kurt Thomas: "Mr. Excitement"?!
Hey Joe & 'Pagne -
You wrote " I know you're jealous because we have the most exciting player in the area." [Editor's Note: See Joe's reply to Jay's first letter, at bottom of page]. If you're talking about Mr. Marbury, then you should have written that you have "AN exciting player in the area." Truly the most exciting player in the area is Latrell Sprewell, the comeback kid who went from a dumbass choker to the on-the-court leader the Knicks sorely needed. But that was 2 months ago. Now the most exciting player is Marcus Camby. Not only is he the bargain of both centuries, but he schooled Ewing at Homecoming. Every month or so, a new player arises from the Garden floor to become the most exciting player, I predict the next'll be Kurt Thomas, he's due I think. As soon as you dump KVH and draft yourself a big man, then Stephon will be the most exciting player in the area, unless Chris Webber dons the blue and Orange, which I hope happens soon.
- Captain Jay, March 7, 2001

Jay, Jay, Jay -
Get off the MSG! Pull some bread out of your tip jar, Piano Man, and plunk some money down for Fox Sports Net NY. See with your own eyes Stephon Marbury making the kind of eye-popping plays that are creating a buzz around the league. In fifty years folks will still be talking about Stephon's speed, thread-the-needle dishes and cradle-and-drives through the lane; in fifty years Sprewell and Camby will be remembered as good players at best, and Kurt Thomas, hate to tell you, won't be remembered at all.

As for Chris Webber joining the Knicks, they don't have the cap room to do it. Since Knick fans can't accept a losing season, and the owners are addicted to raising the ticket prices, they can't rebuild, clear cap room, and land a new marquee player. Cast-offs and cast-aways like Sprewell, Thomas, the late Knick Chris Childs, and Mark Jackson are all you're going to get, so get used to it. Praying Chris Webber commits a violent act is your only hope on that one, Caps.
- Champagne

Yes Virginia, There is a Nicky Knicksfan
Hey Joe & 'Pagne -
I was wondering, is there really a Nicky Knicksfan? My guess is that he is a stereotypical amalgam of all Knick fans you've seen parade on the news during one of the Knicks' many playoff runs or those vociforous die-hards who must travel across the river to see their beloved Knickerbockers because tickets to MSG are harder to come by than peace in the Middle East.

In my life, I have never seen a big gold chain dangle from the neck of a goateed Sprewell Jersey wearing punk. We Knick fans come in all different shapes and sizes. Since the Powers that be took away the colonial Knickerbocker and changed our emblem to that Futuristic Triangle of crap, we need all the help that we can get. Please allow us some dignity in our representation. That's all we can ask.
- Captain Jay, March 9, 2001

Cappy Jay -
Perhaps they aren't all fat dookie chains, but we sure see a lot of gold chains around a lot of the fat necks of Nicky when he decends upon the Continental Arena for a Knicks/Nets match-up. It's called poetic license; that's also why we give him a crucifix earring (a reference to the Knicks odious prayer circle at the end of games). And "dignity" is one of the tens of thousands of words missing from all Knicks fans' vocabularies, so don't start asking for sympathy. Loud, hammered, and incoherent is no way to go through life, but Nicky seems to like it. Currently, the Nets are 22 and 44, Jay. Your team is going to the playoffs. We're a little a put-off.
- Champagne

"Captain Jay" Takes Nets to His Special Island
Joe & 'Pagne -
I never really cared for the Nets, but your site is hilarious. The Nets embody a comedy of errors that only gets more pathetic with every dragging season. There have been glimmers of hope, slivers of light that have past through muck of the Meadowlands and shine into that giant Styrofoam Box you call the Continental Arena. The problem with them is that they're called the NEW JERSEY NETS. Those 2 words "New Jersey" would scare any decent free agent from setting foot in the Garden State.

The truth is that the only time you'll ever see your Nets win a championship is when they finally go back to where they belong: Long Island. They were born there and I'm sure that Past Islander Glory might rub off on them. As soon as you bring them back to their rightful home, all of the past Net Greats of the last 5 years that whose careers fell short due to injury will be magically given Bionic arms and will rise through the ranks where they will play the Knicks in the Eastern Conference finals and get soundly crushed in 4 games. See I'm a Knick fan because they play in New York. When the Nets make their way to the Coliseum for an 81 -game season, we'll see about cheering on Stephon.

Good Luck in the Lottery.
- Jay Bergenfeld, February 23, 2001

Jay my man -
Thanks for the props! Coming from a Knicks fan, that means a lot to Champagne & I, noted Knick-haters. We strive to report what we see at least semi-accurately, erring only on the side of comedy.

Like that once-proud Islander franchise, the Nets are certainly masters of wallowing in their own ineptitude. But Champy and I have stuck it out through thick and thin (and that damned "Ol' Yeller" Calipari), suffering with Yinka Dare and Ed O'Bannon while the rest of the NBA was getting their fill at the draft buffet. We're not about to turn the '94 F-150 around now. Not when the comedy mine is rich with oversupply from the "Curse of Dr. J".

But one thing I am certain of, Jay. Neither the Knicks nor the Nets have won the Big One any time recently. Isn't it time we here in the metropolitan area were rewarded with a championship? Especially since you've had to suffer with the Ewing "So Close, But I Don't Think So" era for the last 15 years? Lord knows I don't have to detail my pain - you can read it all here.

One thing I can tell you with certainty: I'm not going to Uniondale to watch the Nets. I'm having a hard enough time picturing me going to Newark, for cryin' out loud. I'm not sure that I see a major difference between Long Island and New Jersey anyway, except that you might have even more cars and malls per square inch than we do.

Thanks for your email, and despite our differences, hope you continue to check the site out. We promise to throw in more "Nicky Knicksfan" for you to keep it interesting.
- Joe

PS - I know you're jealous because we have the most exciting player in the area. It's ok, you can admit it.

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